Public Defender Trauma

I sometimes hate my job, primarily because I have way too much power over outcomes. One of my clients lost a release hearing today so instead of being at home with his family, he's going to wait an indefinite amount of time in jail waiting for a trial (my best guess, at least 8 months), and even then the chance of acquittal is mixed. I prepared like hell for the hearing but that doesn't stop my mind from pouring over every single detail and interaction wondering if I could have done something differently.

Routine judicial decisions like these are extremely consequential and very common but they happen orally over the span of a few minutes. They're nothing like written appeal opinions. This also means it opens up the realm of possibilities because they can be just so damn random.

It's particularly difficult to be completely detached from the process when my performance is so paramount to determining the consequences.

Most of the time I feel like I'm part of a giant assembly line where what I do genuinely has no material effect on the outcome. But there are rare, and extremely terrifying examples where I can flip the script completely. I know this happens for a fact because I've experienced them. I had a guy get sentenced to 6 months in jail, which was completely surprising. I just stood there thinking "what the fuck do I do?" and then addressed the judge and said "What would the court like to see to reconsider this sentence?" The judge peered at me over her glasses, opened the file folder and said "Alright. I'll reconsider. Because you asked." Then she sentenced him to two days. I remember just physically shaking and thinking "what in the actual fuck" because it was so goddamn ridiculous that I changed this guy's trajectory with a single sentence I uttered.